The Unconventional Rescue of Tieria Erde
by StormyMonday
Summary: It was supposed to be a routine quest with all the standard pitfalls, but it turned out to be anything that one would consider run of the mill. No pairings. Less than zero canon. Absolutely AU


_Authoress's Notes: Hello. I think I have officially lost my last marble. Last week I was feeling just awful, and somehow ended up with the serious need to write a fairy tale. This is not the one I had in mind. I will get around to it though. I just needed a break from romance and angst and...sadness, and this is the result. Please don't take it seriously. It isn't meant to be a masterpiece, but I do hope it's at least mildly entertaining. Typos are a possibility._

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><p><em><span>The Unconventional Rescue of Tieria Erde<span>_

Once upon a time, a handsome and brave young knight set out on a quest to rescue a damsel who had, as damsels tended to do, gotten herself into something of a pickle. According to the bulletin posted at guild headquarters, she had been abducted by an evil and vicious ogre, and was being held for an unfairly large ransom. As per usual, all the details concerning treacherous terrain, dangerous creatures, and arduous tasks were of the standard variety; there was mention of a nearly impenetrable forest of thorn riddled plants, puzzles requiring sharp intellect, and the obligatory fire drake or two. These were nothing new to the intrepid, dashing knight who had happily accepted the challenge, and the fact that there was a damsel waiting at the end of it all was all the better. After all, journeys like this one were always good alleviating frequent instances of boredom, as well as providing a chance to meet beautiful young women from various parts of the country that he rarely had occasion to visit otherwise. Unfortunately however, none of them thus far had been his type, being either too demanding or too dependent. Still, with each rescue the hope of finding a suitable wife held strong.

The excursion had been oddly short, only a few hours outside of his hometown. Double checking the information he had been given, the tall, brown haired, blue-green eyed knight compared route he had charted on his map with the details of the rescue. There was absolutely no mention of a flower filled meadow, happy fauna that played hide-and-seek in the peaceful, nearby forest, and certainly no mention of a quaint little house with an expertly manicured lawn. "I don't get it. This should be the place, but I don't see any wall of thorny vines or drakes at all."

A seemingly disembodied voice countered the knight's quandary. _'No, this is the right place.'_

"I don't know...maybe we should have gone right instead of left at the fork in the road."

_'Didn't you hear me? I said this is the right place. Your 'damsel' is inside and so is the ogre.'_

"Oh come on Arrow. You can't seriously expect me to believe..." The knight paused, redirecting his attention to Arrow's apparent sarcasm. "What's with the cynicism?"

Arrow let out a snort and a high pitched whinny while pawing once at the ground. '_You really __**should**_ _get going. She is waiting for you to save her from the big, bad monster.'_

"There's something you're not telling me isn't there?" The horse merely twitched her ears in response. "Never mind then. There's only one way to find out what's really going on here, and arguing with my horse isn't it." The knight dismounted and began securing the blonde colored mare to a nearby tree.

_'Wait wait! You know how I hate being tied up, Neil! How will I ever reach that patch of clover over there?'_

"I'm not spending the next five days looking for you just because you get stung by a bee again. I'll get you some sugar cubes on the way back. They're just as good."

_'No they're not and they make my teeth hurt!'_

The knight Arrow called Neil raised an eyebrow. "Since when?"

_'Since...since always!'_

"Complain all you want but I'm not untying you. We may not be far from home, but I really have no intention of walking back by myself."

Arrow shorted again and swished her tail. _'Honestly, I don't why females of your kind find you so appealing. I bet they'd think differently if they knew how difficult you are to live with.'_

"Listen, I have a job to do. The sooner I get it done the sooner we can go home and collect payment, so just...I don't know, strike up a conversation with the locals and I'll return before you know it."

_'Fine, but you have to agree to change my name to Cleopatra first.'_

Neil sighed at the demand. "How many times do we have to go over this? You know how much it would cost to re-register you with a new name." The young knight readied his weapon and gathered a few other necessities before heading off in the direction of the small cottage. "We wouldn't be having this conversation if I hadn't rescued you from the slaughter house you know. And by the way, no chewing through the rope this time, alright?"

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><p>The relative distance from the tree where Arrow was tied to the cute little house was short. Neil stood at the far end of a cobblestone walkway and surveyed his surroundings, fully expecting the scenery to change into what was indicated in the retrieval request, but it never did. In fact, it seemed as if the front door was open just slightly. Still wary of the situation, the young knight took the path to the house, carefully and silently peering through the open door. "I know this is too good to be true." Solidifying his resolve, Neil pushed the door open and stepped inside still expecting it to slam shut behind him only to reveal a heavy iron door that led to a cold, dark, dirty, cob web filled chamber complete with a skeleton chained to the wall. Instead of all this, he found a moderately sized kitchen with a sturdy, well taken care of table and chairs, shelves and cabinets on either side of the room with clean dishes and linens, and someone at the sink washing what looked to be the dishes the residents had used at their most recent meal.<p>

The figure at the sink finished drying the inside of a coffee mug before turning to the stranger that had just walked in through the open door. "In how many different ways can I say 'we don't want any' before you people will stop trying to sell us goods we have no use for?"

Neil found it odd that he'd be mistaken for a traveling salesman. "I'm not trying to sell you anything. I'm actually looking for..." He took a piece of parchment from his pocket and unfolded it. "...someone by the name of Tieria Erde. Do you know where I can find her?"

"I am Tieria Erde."

Neil raised an eyebrow at this, and looked around the room once again expecting the illusion to reveal its true nature. "This says you're a woman but..." He looked the shorter man over quickly. "...you're not...are you?"

"Don't be such a twit. I personally wrote and sent that rescue request, intentionally stating that I am of the female persuasion."

"I don't understand. Why would you do that, and for that matter how did _you_ make the request to begin with?"

"The how is much more simple than the why." Just then a carrier pigeon flew in through the open window over the sink.

"Well that clears one thing up. So how about the why. It seems to me you have a pretty nice setup here."

Tieria sat down at the table and began cleaning his glasses. "In the town I come from, I am a well known and respected scientist. Nary a month ago I was working with a partner on a very valuable, top secret experiment. It was nearly finished when I found out he was planning to take full credit for it and sell the technology on the black market. Needless to say we had words, and parted ways that same day. " The purple haired man paused to put his glasses back on before continuing. "Two days later I went to town for supplies. I made my final purchase of the day and exited the shop, and was suddenly accosted by an unknown assailant. He quickly rendered me unconscious, and when I woke I was here."

"So why didn't you just leave?"

"Go back to the entry way and hold up your hand."

Neil looked at Tieria with a quizzical expression. "You don't really think I'm that stupid do you? I'm not the type that just blindly walks into obvious traps."

"I am merely trying to answer your question."

Tentatively, the young knight took a few steps back to the entry way and did as his charge suggested. The air in front of him shimmered and became the consistency of brick. "I can understand the ogre not wanting to let you leave, but I'd imagine he'd want to keep people like me out as well. So why no outside barrier?"

Tieria gestured toward the next room. "Apparently that Neanderthal in there is in desperate need of company. My partner still needing a way to get rid of me, was able to easily convince the oaf that I would make an ideal companion Not being 'the sharpest tool in the shed' as they say, my captor has not given keeping others out a second thought, and naturally I have not brought the matter to his attention"

"So all this is over some business deal gone bad?"

No sooner had Neil finished his question did the ogre plod into the room. "Oh hello there. Are you here to visit my beautiful Tieria?"

Neil fought the desperate need to laugh at what had quickly become a more than absurd situation. "Ideal companion seems like an understatement."

The ogre regarded the new visitor with much interest. "My name is Grog. What's yours?"

Neil extended a hand. "It's nice to meet you, Grog. I'm Neil."

The ogre looked puzzled at the gesture, so Tieria clarified. "It is a common greeting, predominately among human males."

"Oh!" Grog then held out his own hand in response. "Have you come for dinner?"

Tieria cast a glance at their visitor before stating in no uncertain terms why the other man had come. "I don't belong here, Grog. Neil has come to take me home."

"But Simon said-"

"What he told you was a lie. I am _not_ interested in marrying you."

Grog's expression became sad. "But I thought you were happy here."

Fully aware of the difficult situation, Neil made an attempt to ease the ogre's disposition. "Don't you think you'd be happier with a girl of your own kind?"

The ogre shook his head and frowned. "I don't know any ogre girls that like bunnies and flowers. Do you know any ogres that like bunnies and flowers?"

"I can't say that I do, but if you let Tieria leave with me, I will tell everyone I know you're looking for one. Sound fair?"

"Do you know a lot of people?"

Neil nodded. "Indeed I do, and in the meantime Tieria will visit you every Friday." He looked to the purple haired man who was apparently stunned he had agreed to keep a promise someone else had made. "Isn't that right, Tieria?"

Tieria sighed and adjusted his glasses. "Yes, every Friday it is." He glanced briefly at the taller man. "I'm starting to regret ever sending for you."

Grog smiled brightly. "Okay! See you tomorrow then!"

Neil started to the entry way, turning to wave at the more than pleased Grog.

Tieria followed, but stopped as something began to cross his mind. "Remember everything I taught you. You must cook your dinner thoroughly or you risk food poisoning. And you must do laundry at least once a week, or more when you have occasion to exert yourself with manual labor. And don't forget to use the measuring cup when adding detergent or you will repeat the fiasco we had last week when you added too much." He paused, and crossed back into the kitchen. Grabbing a pencil and paper, Tieria took a few minutes to write down a few necessary instructions. "Pay attention to these and everything should be fine."

Grog nodded and waved as the two exited the cottage. "See you soon!"

While Tieria tended to writing the instructions, Neil saw to eliminating the barrier that blocked the front door. He took a small, shiny round stone from his pocket and set it on the floor. Instantly the shimmer dissipated and allowed him to exit. "Easiest money I've ever made."

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><p>As the two men started on their way to the tree where Arrow waited, Tieria sighed with relief. "It's like living inside a pitcher plant."<p>

Neil cast him a curious glance. "Pitcher plant? I don't think I've heard of anything like that."

"Pitcher plants are not native to this part of the world, so I'm not surprised."

"So what makes you equate living here to living inside one of those?"

"Pitcher plants are carnivorous. They attract prey with a sweet nectar, and when the insect attempts to collect the liquid, they fall inside. The walls of the plant are steep and sheer. The more the insect tries to escape it eventually wears itself out and falls to the bottom, at which time the plant starts digesting its captive."

Neil winced at the picture that had been formed by his very vivid imagination. "That sounds unpleasant."

"I was starting to feel like the unfortunate prey of one. Not only because I could not escape, but because with each passing day I could feel scores of my brain cells withering away to nothing."

"That's a little melodramatic don't you think?"

"I'm a scientist, therefore it is not."

In short order they reached the tree where Arrow was tied. Neil unsecured the rope and wound it into a tight coil while waiting for the purple haired man to take his place in the saddle. When he didn't, a thought crossed the taller man's mind. "Don't tell me you don't know how to ride."

"Of course I do, but she's your horse."

"While that is true, rule seven, article three of the handbook states that, barring severe injury, unconsciousness, or death, all damsels are to be transported by said knight's steed."

"That would be fine if I were an actual damsel, but I am not."

Arrow twitched her ears, interrupting the dispute. _'I don't suppose you're going to introduce me?'_

Neil regarded the blonde and began walking, leading her behind him. "You never cared before. What makes you so interested now?"

_'Do I really need a reason?'_

"You _always_ have a reason, Arrow." The horse stopped dead in her tracks and refused to move any further. "Alright alright. Tieria, this is Arr...Cleo."

Tieria observed the seemingly one way conversation with much interest and placid amusement. "Most people that converse with species other than their own typically end up in insane asylums. So I must ask, do you sincerely believe she is responding to you in your own language?"

"I'm not crazy. I _can_ understand her. If you really need to know, about five years ago I came down with a high fever. When I had recovered and was finally able to leave the house, this puppy came up to me asking if I had seen his boy. At first even I thought I was nuts, but eventually I just accepted that I'm able to do such a thing. Mother says I've been given a gift."

Tieria pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "Fascinating..."

A few short hours passed as the three engaged in idle chatter. After reporting to the guild exactly what had transpired, Neil took Tieria to the nearest carriage departure point. The purple haired man vowed to take legal action against his ex-partner, Simon, and indeed made good on his intention. Neil went back to what he did best, rescuing young women who where in true danger, slaying dragons and otherwise vile beasts with his trusty bow, while the newly named Cleopatra always found something to complain about.

THE END

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><p><em>Alrighty so, after proofreading, I have come to the conclusion that this is really pretty terrible. Then again, I am my own worst critic. Convince me otherwise and review, ok? Oh and incidentally, I know Neil's a smart guy, but in this setting I can't imagine he'd know what a pitcher plant is. Thanks for reading! ^_^<em>


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